how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
