Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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