i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
