Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
