You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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