it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
