Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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