Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
