I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
