Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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