Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
should my penis look like a turkey
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
