youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Randomize
