sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
