It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
