I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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