dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
