Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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