i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
