I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
