I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
