Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
