im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
