Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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