You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
