$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Text me some of your sweat
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