I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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