I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
