dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
