my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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