I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
