My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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