If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
