You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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