Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
