is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
