You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
