I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
