"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.