why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.