Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
