god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
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I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...