my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
