I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Oh god it's open bar.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
