My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
