I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
