The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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