i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
