It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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