my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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