dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
