it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
