does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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