How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
