I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
