Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
