is wine microwaveable?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
