I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
