I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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