dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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