I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
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How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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