Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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