I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
