Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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