Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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