Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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